


(un)reliable

by Gegenwind



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Dark, Depression, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Injury, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Near Death Experiences, Reader-Insert, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-02-23 05:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13182894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gegenwind/pseuds/Gegenwind
Summary: No matter which choices we make, we'll have to face the consequences.We will never know how things would have been if we had made other choices.The only thing we know is that nothing is reliable.





	1. Departure

**Author's Note:**

> Writer-chan is not a native English speaker. Errors may occur.
> 
> This turned out so much darker than I wanted it to be, I'm so sorry. I even cried while writing, this show seriously fucked me up. I don't know how many chapters there'll be, maybe three or four, it depends on my mood.  
> Please enjoy while reading.

It was silent.

     The sky was a cold blue mixed with some red and orange from the slowly rising sun. _It would be a beautiful day._ No clouds could be seen yet, only the fading silhouettes of the stars and the pale moon. _It would be a beautiful day – a beautiful day to die._

 

     You had a sick feeling when you were staring into the endless sky above you while you were standing at the window in your small room. You couldn’t sleep at night but you weren’t tired. Maybe it was a foreshadow of what would happen today. You knew it wouldn’t end well. _It never ended well_. Expeditions were something you loathed. Every time you left the so-called security of the Walls, there was just death waiting for you. Nothing more and nothing less. Since the fall of Wall Maria five years ago it had gotten worse.

     You often wondered why the Survey Corps still existed. Weren’t they satisfied with fifty-six failed attempts? Still, you fought. For what? You couldn’t remember anymore. It has been too long since you’ve given up looking for a reason.

     You trusted Commander Erwin just like anyone else within the Survey Corps. It was his decision to trust Eren Jaeger and you would never question his choices. The boy had successfully retaken the Trost District – but still, many of the recruits had died. You could remember all of their names. Thomas Wagner, Franz Kefka, Hannah Diamant, Marco Bott and many others. It hurt to remember. You’d looked over every leftover of their corpses, trying not to cry. You weren’t allowed to do so as the squad leader of the medical unit of the Survey Corps. Don’t show any weakness in front of your broken comrades, you always told yourself, someone must hold it together.

     You weren’t doing well lately, however. You were absentminded. You messed up reports and you could sleep even less than usual since Erwin had announced the date of the 57th Expedition outside the Walls. They wanted to retake Wall Maria and go into the basement of Eren Jaeger’s house. According to him, they would find the solution to the mystery behind the titans. You weren’t really listening while Erwin explained. _You were afraid_. The memory of the last expedition haunted you. Too many titans, too many of your comrades had died and everything you gained from it were injuries which left you bedridden for two weeks.

 

     You finally stepped away from the window, looking around your small bedroom. The clothes were neatly folded on top of your drawer, some dusty old books beside them. You were sure you’ve read them but couldn’t remember when. You picked up one and blew the dust off it, hoping to see the title. Memories flashed trough your mind while looking at some yellow pages with fading brown ink. You couldn’t place those memories though, they were clouded and blurred like they didn’t even belong to you. You put the book back and grabbed your coat. Maybe this would be the last time you would be standing here, watching the sunrise in the morning. You had spent many hours in this room, thinking, reading, writing.

     Your desk was clean. You had made sure to sort out all the documents in case you would meet your end today. You only placed a single envelope there for whoever would come to clean out your room.

     Some people might find it strange to write a last will at a young age but because you could die any day, you did. It was the day after you’ve joined the Survey Corps, to be exact. You had no family left and nothing of value but you had made friends and you wanted to tell them some last things in case you wouldn’t have the chance to do it personally. Over the years, you re-did the letter several times. And before every expedition you left an envelope on your desk. It had become a ritual for you because not being able to say goodbye to your friends was something that made your heart hurt so bad you couldn’t breathe at times.

     Were you ready to die? Nobody was. Every single one of you was scared of dying. Did you fight because of that? You didn’t know. _Because you were scared to live, too._ You were in charge after the battle of the Trost District. Was it your fault so many of the wounded had died? No one blamed you. _No one but yourself._

     You left your room with a sad smile on your lips, closed the door and walked along the dark corridor to meet your squad. It was a rather large amount of people, but every single one specialised in medical knowledge. There were no doctors on the squad but you made sure to instruct and teach them as well as possible. You weren’t a doctor either. You were too old for an innocent kid when your parents died but certainly too young to take care of yourself and so you left your hometown to become a soldier. You wanted to do something that had a meaning. You wanted to be useful.

     After one training session in the midst of winter, one of your comrades had fallen very sick and the doctor which came to look after them was kind enough to let you watch and learn. He took you under his tutelage after you graduated and taught you everything he knew. Some of the dusty books on your drawer were from him.

     Impressed by your medical knowledge, you were allowed to form a small unit within the Survey Corps and some time after that you were given the title of a squad leader.

     You’ve lost the count of the years you’ve already been here. Was it important? No. Because this wasn’t called a living. Everything was nothing but painful.

 

     When you stepped outside, a cold breeze hit your face and your eyes were tearing up. You blinked a few times to adjust to the rather cold air before making your way to the place you wanted to meet up with your squad. You already saw the horses from afar.

     »Ah, good morning, Squad Leader,« you were greeted and you replied with a small smile on your face. They shouldn’t know about the dark thoughts concerning you. If this should be their last day on Earth – and you begged God not to let that happen – you would want them to be as optimistic as possible. They shouldn’t worry about someone like you.

     »You look really pale, are you alright?«

     »Don’t worry, I’m fine,« you replied while approaching your horse. You gently stroke its face, seeing your dull eyes in the reflection of your horse’s. »I’m sorry,« you whispered as if the horse could understand you, »this might be the last time we’re together. Please, live.« You bit back the tears and mounted your horse.

     »Alright, everyone,« you said loud enough so your comrades could hear you. »We’re off.«

     No one spoke while you rode towards the gate. There were a lot of people watching you but you ignored the hateful whispers and the glares. You were too used to it.

     You lined up with the other squad leaders and looked up to the sky.

 

     Please, you thought as the gate opened, don’t let this be the last day.


	2. Attack

     The wind hit your face and made your eyes burn. As soon as you’d left the Walls, every squad had taken their part in the formation Erwin had planned. As one of the most important units within this formation you had taken a rather secure place, right behind the Special Operation Squad led by none other than Corporal Levi. You kept your squad close together but they were ready to follow emergency signals as soon as they’d see one. Each of you carried a medical set but you all knew that you couldn’t treat life-threatening injuries outside the Walls.

     You looked around. So far, nothing really strange had happened. You had expected a lot of titans but actually, it seemed like the outer formation could deal with them just fine. The only real problem would be abnormals – those titans were known for their unusual behaviour and some of them could jump like “shitty little frogs” like Levi once said to you. It made you laugh at that time but you had faced one of them before so you had fallen silent while Levi was watching you with slight concern in his eyes.

 

     It was no secret that the higher ups were worried about you. Erwin and Mike even mentioned a depression but you shrugged it off. You fought against titans, did they really expect you to be a little ball of happiness? Still, your behaviour was very different from other members. You would often ask to have some alone-time and you didn’t seem to have the will to fight like others did.

     Was it because you were in this for too long? You couldn’t say. You felt empty. And you weren’t sure if you’d ever become happy in your life again. You couldn’t even remember the last time you really were – but you were sure it had something to do with Levi. He was like a steady presence in your life ever since you’d joint the Survey Corps.

     The first time you’ve seen him was the day you became an official member of the Survey Corps. It was just a brief moment and you didn’t really think about it much afterwards. You would pass him in the corridors but never making eye contact or anything else.

     On your first expedition you got separated from your squad and found yourself in the midst of at least a dozen titans. Back then, you were still too young and too fearful for this world full of cruelty and hadn’t it been for Levi, you wouldn’t have survived. You woke up in an infirmary room with a broken arm and a throbbing pain in your head. Later you were told, you and two others were the only ones left out of the squad. It was Hanji who told you that Levi was the one to rescue you and after hesitating, you went to his room one night and officially thanked him for saving you and apologized for being a burden.

     It had been so many years that neither of you could remember when you started being friendly with each other. Maybe it was the time when you became a squad leader. He saw you as an equal and you were well trained and could save your own ass. It was usually him who listened to your thoughts and problems and you had offered him to do so as well but he wasn’t one to talk about personal stuff. You enjoyed each other’s company – there were no nagging questions, no uncomfortable silence and no judging. Sometimes you would just sit there for hours, no talking, just enjoying the fact that the other was alive.

     Recently, you had stopped doing so. Everything was too loud and you felt like you needed too much energy while talking to or just being with someone. Levi was sensitive enough to give you space but even he couldn’t deny that he was worried. You two had become more than just friends. He liked being around you just as much as you liked it and watching you slowly losing your sense in life made his heart feel heavy.

     Could he do something for you? You weren’t sure. You didn’t even know how to help yourself. Your mind was killing you and the worst part was that you knew what was going on. But you simply could do nothing about it.

 

     You snapped out of your thoughts when one of your comrades called out your name. »There is an emergency signal! What shall we do now?«

     You turned your head to see where the signal came from. It was a faint red line of smoke but it was too far away. You clenched your teeth. »It’s too far away. Whoever is in need will have to rely on their comrades. If we separate now we won’t be able to team up again. We have to trust our comrades.«

     Please, you begged after you turned your head again, please save them.

     The bitter truth of expeditions was that you could rely on nothing. Every soldier carried a little first aid kit with them but only very few had advanced medical knowledge. The only ones to be able to treat grave injuries were within your squad but you were the ones that should survive till the very end. Your squad was important. But if the emergency was too far away you could do nothing. You were not the most capable fighters within the Survey Corps and only a few of you had ever beaten a titan by themselves – including you. Levi had made sure to train you himself after you had become a squad leader. In case of emergency, you should be able to protect your squad. You were nowhere near his standards but he was pleased with the progress you’d made.

 

     »Squad Leader, there is the forest ahead of us!« Once more, you were pulled out of your thoughts. You looked up and saw the trees becoming bigger and bigger the nearer you came. There were green signals in front of you. Did Erwin really want to go into the forest? This was insane. Your heart started beating faster. What was going on here?

     »S-Squad Leader!« The scream pierced your ears and you turned around abruptly. Your eyes widened in shock; black signals. An abnormal. And it seemed like it had gone too far into the formation. Did this mean that the squads behind you were all defeated? Erwin still wanted to go into the forest. You shoot a green signal into the air while one of your squad members shoot a black one.

     »Stay calm,« you advised, picking up the speed a little. »We must trust the commander.«

     The forest drew nearer and nearer. Your heart was racing in your chest and every breath you took felt like your lungs were on fire. Would you be safe once you’ve reached the forest? You weren’t sure about that. Normally, you would stay away from the forest. But you trusted Erwin’s decision.

     »Squad Leader it’s coming nearer!« At first you thought they meant the forest. You realised too late that it was something else. The earth quivered and before you could say something else, a gigantic foot kicked you off your horse.

     You flung yourself into the air before you could hit the ground and were ready to fight. You wanted to give your team instructions but there was no team left. With horror in your eyes you watched to the ground, finding your whole squad lying on the grass. They did not move.

     »You!« you screamed at the fourteen-meter class titan right in front of you, tears streaming down your face. You wanted to cut its neck so badly that you didn’t pay attention to your surroundings. The titan, which looked like a female, swung its enormous hand and hit you out of the air. You crashed against a tree and all your breath was knocked out of your lungs. A hot white pain seared trough your body when you felt your ribs crack, leaving you paralyzed before you hit the ground.

     Black points danced before your eyes and you couldn’t move. The titan seemed to move on and you wanted to call for help but you couldn’t. The tears still streamed down your face while you were slowly losing your consciousness because of the pain.

_This was really a beautiful day to die._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't want anyone to suffer more than necessary.


	3. Illusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year to everyone!
> 
> So, this is the third chapter and you can forget what I said about the story's length I mentioned at the beginning. I have a lot of ideas for this story and I don't know how many chapters there'll be.  
> You may have noticed that up to now, the reader is sort of gender neutral. Do you want me to keep up with that or do you prefer a clearly stated female reader? (I'm not good with males, I'm sorry.)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter. I really like writing reader-based stories and this is so much fun to write. Even if it's sad.

     There was warmth and the beating of a heart. A voice that sang something you couldn’t understand and a dog bellowing somewhere. You heard other voices laughing cheerfully and you weren’t sure but distantly you could hear a bell ringing.

     Suddenly, there were footsteps that drew nearer but you remained calm. Someone called your name. »Are you up, sweetheart? The breakfast is ready. Have you been up all night reading again?« The voice clearly belonged to a female. She shook your shoulder and called your name again. »You need to get up or you’ll get nothing to eat.«

     Your eyes fluttered open and the sun blinded you for a moment. You yawned, scratching your head. »I had a very good dream,« you murmured and yawned again. »I didn’t get to the end of it.«

     The woman giggled. »Oh, were you dreaming about something exciting?« She gave you a cocky smile and walked out of the room. »Get up now and eat your breakfast.«

     »It’s Sunday, mother,« you grumbled and finally got out of bed. You dressed while you were still half asleep and came into the kitchen while rubbing your tired eyes. You sat down across your father and dug your fork into the egg.

     »Good morning, my love,« your father, who looked like a fluffy teddy bear, greeted you happily. »Don’t tell me you were up all night reading again.«

     » I can’t help it,« you said, »you have to stop bringing me such amazing books if you want me to stop doing so, father. They are so exciting I can’t put them down.« You drank some water and continued eating. »I’ve already finished the one you gave me last week.«

     Your father laughed, deep and heartily, and looked at you with shining eyes. Everyone said you came after your mother but that wasn’t entire true. You had your father’s eyes, his sense of humour and his taste in books. »I am blessed to have such an inquisitive child. I’ll try to get you another one when I return next Friday.« He stood up and kissed your mother on the cheek. Then he turned to you. »Don’t forget to mark the best parts for me,« he said, grinning, and kissed you goodbye on the forehead before he left the house.

 

     You couldn’t wait for your father to come back. He always brought you and your mother gifts when he came back from work and you always looked forward to the books he would give you. You and your father shared a special bond – he was the one who insisted on teaching you how to read and write when you were little and you couldn’t be more thankful for that. The books he brought you usually told of exciting adventures but recently you had read some that told takes from another world. The books described huge amounts of blue water with a lot of animals in it you’d never heard about. The book called it ‘the ocean’. At night you were fantasising about this ocean but no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t imagine something so beautiful.

     When Friday came, you woke up really early and spent the rest of the day waiting in anticipation for the return of your father.

 

     He never came back.

     One day turned into two and two into a month. After three months your mother received the note that your father’s body had been found dead. It was such a shock for your mother that she had fallen ill and barely left her bed afterwards. Seven months after the announcement of your father’s death she died as well.

     You spent two months grieving after that. You’ve lost both of your parents within a year and you were all alone in a world that wasn’t particularly nice to kids like you. You were a dreamer, a very sensible and creative child but this world didn’t need someone like you. So, after those two months you had made up your mind and decided what you would give your life for.

     With the books that reminded you of your beloved family you left your hometown to become a soldier. You wanted to see what it was like outside those Walls. You wanted to do something for others. Even if your life was not worth much you still felt that you had the power to change something. You wanted to see the world.

     You couldn’t save your father and never really had a chance to say goodbye. You never really said goodbye to your mother either. And you swore you would never let that happen again.

     As the time went by, you remembered things you thought you had forgotten; your mother had always wished for you to find someone you love, to get married and build a living on your own. Your father had wanted you to follow your dreams and to never let anyone tell you otherwise. You hadn’t had many friends and when you told them that you would leave, they didn’t really care.

 

     The training was hard. You couldn’t keep up with the others, you were small and had no strength at all, it was hard for you to follow the lessons and sometimes you wanted to give up. You cried a lot during the first weeks. You were shy and always alone, it was very hard for you to make any friends. After you were in the Training Corps for two years, it became better. In your final year you could finally keep up with the fellow cadets. By the time of your graduation, you nearly missed the top ten but you couldn’t care less. You had decided to go to the Survey Corps a long time ago.

 

     The picture blurred. Suddenly, everything seemed distant and blurred as if you were watching yourself trough dirty glass. But were you really watching yourself? This smiling face didn’t seem familiar. Of course, those were your eyes but you couldn’t remember when they were so lively. Full of hopes and dreams. You were happy back then even if you had to face the titans. You felt like you found a place you belonged to. You found friends. You laughed. Your heart didn’t feel so heavy all the time.

     You wanted to go back to those happy times. But that was not possible. Too much had changed. You were a different person now. One that wouldn’t smile anymore because there was nothing to be happy about, a person whose eyes had become so dull because all their dreams had died.

_You had become someone you never wanted to be._

 

 

     And then, everything was dark and cold. Your body hurt and your lungs were on fire. Someone screamed your name and gently slapped your cheek. Your eyelids were heavy and you couldn’t speak. The screaming got louder and louder, slowly pulling you out of the darkness. The ground was so hard against your bruised body and everything seemed too loud for your liking.

     »Open your eyes! Please, talk to me! Say something!«

     It took you several seconds to do so, but you slowly opened your eyes. A tall figure was hovering over you, terror in his eyes. He said your name again, this time very quiet and soft. He laid one of his big warm hands on your cheek and you slowly recognized the figure as Mike.

     »Thank god,« he said, »thank god you’re alive.«


	4. Pain

     Everything had happened way too fast. This expedition had ended in a huge disaster. Mike was still trying to figure out what exactly had happened when Erwin announced the return to Wall Rose. The next hours went by in a blur – there were so many fallen soldiers that it took the rest of them a while to gather their bodies to bring them back. Still, they couldn’t take all of them back to the Walls.

     It was a fact that had always saddened Mike and he knew that some of the soldiers would be devastated by that but he couldn’t help it. He’s been fighting for so long now if he’d let every single death touch his heart, he would break. Maybe that’s why Levi and Erwin seemed so cold. He knew that Hanji had their own ways of handling their feelings as well as every single soldier within the Survey Corps.

     He was already sitting on his horse when you suddenly crossed his mind. He looked around, scanning the crowd for your familiar features but you weren’t there. He didn’t even see a single person of your squad.

     »Erwin,« he said rather calm, still looking for you. »Where was the medical unit located?«

     Erwin stopped dead in his tracks when he heard Mike speaking. He noticed that, indeed, your squad was missing. It couldn’t be, he thought as he scanned the crowd as well, they can’t be dead.

     »They were right behind Levi’s squad,« Erwin said. He looked at Mike. »Their bodies are not within the fallen ones, they must be outside the forest. I’m sure we’ll meet them once we’re on our way back.«

     It wasn’t like Erwin at all to sound so insecure. But Mike knew pretty well that Erwin was extremely worried about you. Your mental condition was really bad even if you denied it. Every death, every injury, every failed attempt to save humanity broke your heart a little more and Erwin was worried that it would shatter completely. Mike had seen soldiers that tried to commit suicide because of that. He couldn’t save all of them. He hoped that after so many years you had learned to accept it but you couldn’t. You were too soft and kind-hearted for this world.

 

     He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Hanji call your name. It wasn’t like you to disobey. Mike had a sick feeling in his stomach and according to Erwin’s facial expression, he wasn’t too well either. »We’re heading back,« the commander said. »And Mike,« he added, it was more like a whisper so he others couldn’t hear him, »we’ll look for the medical unit.«

     They left the forest. Erwin, Hanji, Mike and Levi were looking out for forgotten corpses. Levi was scared the most to find your body dead upon the ground. He’d already lost his own team today, he didn’t want to lose you as well. You had to be alive, there was no other option. In his thoughts, he still heard your beautiful voice calling his name. The image of your eyes looking at him was imprinted in his mind because he had sworn that he would do everything he could to bring back the light your eyes lost. His heart ached. Didn’t you promise him that you would always come back alive? Didn’t you swear to him that you would not disappear from this world?

_Didn’t you tell him that you loved him?_

     It had been the night after a particularly hard expedition. You collapsed from exhaustion while you were looking after the injured and Levi took you to bed. You awoke in the middle of the night, screaming and crying, because you couldn’t forget the ones that had died during the day. Your screaming had been so loud, that Levi came to your room and simply held you until you’d stopped shaking. He clearly remembered the conversation that had followed.

 

     »You have to stop caring so much,« he’d told you. »It’s bad for your heart.«

     »I can’t. That’s impossible for me. They’re my friends and I love them.« You had started sobbing again. »I am not like you. Or Erwin. Or Hanji. Or Mike. I can’t sacrifice my humanity. It’s the only thing that keeps me alive.«

     »Why do you still love in a world like this?«

     You had looked at him with a sad smile on your lips and tears streaming down your face. You had placed a hand on his cheek. »Because in a world like this, love is the only thing we can hold onto. Love doesn’t just die. It doesn’t disappear. Feelings are something not even death can touch. Our fallen comrades are still there. We just have to remember that they had lived. We have to remember that we care about them. Because their bodies will be burnt or they will rot in a forest. I love you.« His heart had skipped a beat at those words. »And I always will. Because you gave me a place to return to. A shoulder to cry on. And the feeling of being safe. I never thought I could appreciate being with someone so much. Thank you, Levi.«

 

     »There!« Hanji screamed suddenly and pointed to something on the ground. Levi’s eyes widened in shock as he recognized the members of your squad. Mike and Erwin were the first to reach the place Hanji had spotted. Slowly, the other Survey Corps members stopped to look for survivors.

     Mike was the first to spot you under a tree and hurried to your side. He trembled slightly as he looked for your pulse. He laid his head on your chest and listened. When he heard the faint beating of your heart, he immediately started screaming your name.

     »Open your eyes! Please, talk to me! Say something!«

     When you opened your eyes, he let out his breath he didn’t even notice he was holding. He laid one of his hands on your cheek, an unusually soft expression on his face. »Thank god,« he said, »thank god you’re alive.«

     Mike wiped some blood off your face. »Can you hear me?« You nodded slowly. Mike looked at your body. Your limbs weren’t in any unusual positions but he couldn’t pick you up without knowing where you were hurt the most – he didn’t want to damage your body any further. »Can you tell me where it hurts the most?«

 

     You wanted to say something but your voice failed you. It was so hard to breathe and your whole body hurt so much that you didn’t know where you should begin. You lifted your arm which felt extremely heavy and could only gesture that your upper body hurt the most before your arm fell back to the ground as if it didn’t belong to your body.

     Mike called out to Erwin and the commander was almost immediately by your side.

     »We have to check how bad the injury is,« you heard Erwin say. »Please bear with us for a moment.« Did he speak to you? His voice sounded so distant.

     They removed your belts as gentle as they could. Even if they didn’t intent to, it hurt wherever their hands touched you. When Erwin started to unbutton your shirt, you felt your consciousness leaving you again. The cold air hit your skin and suddenly a sharp pain brought you back to reality. Your upper body was badly bruised and Erwin carefully roamed his hands over your body.

     »Two … three …,« he counted while Mike tried to comfort you, »four … six. You have at least six broken ribs. This is bad. We have to get back immediately.«

     Mike fixed your clothing while Erwin walked away. »I’m sorry,« Mike whispered before he lifted you in his arms. You groaned in pain and you felt tears burning in your eyes. I should be dead, you thought, I want to be dead.

     Mike placed you carefully on a carriage, right beside an unconscious Eren Jaeger. You opened your eyes and looked at the sky. Light blue mixed with some grey, the upcoming sunset slowly adding some orange and red.

     »I’m sorry,« you whispered, as the tears streamed down your face again.

_It should’ve been you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved this chapter so freaking much. The love confession was on my mind for some time now and I think in a world like that it's the most accurate thing to say.


	5. Grief

     When you opened your eyes again, the sun had already disappeared, but the sky was still beautiful; deep red. You heard people talk – so you must be back inside the Walls.

     »Squad Leader,« you heard a voice next to you, but your neck was stiff and you couldn’t look at the person who spoke to you. Still, the voice sounded familiar. »Are you in huge pain?«

     »Eren,« you said quietly. Your throat was dry. At least, he made it out there alive. »I’m so glad you’re safe.« You weren’t sure if he was crying or not. You heard the villagers shout at the soldiers; rude words, threats. You heard some women cry and when you thought about the families of your squad members, your heart began to ache so bad that you gasped for air. You would have to face the consequences for the mistakes you made. You were unfocused during the expedition, you should have noticed the titan earlier, you should have protected your squad. _You should have died instead of them._

     »Squad Leader, please stop crying, you’ll choke yourself.« It was Mikasa’s voice but you couldn’t stop. Everything was too much. The physical pain, the emotional pain, the screams. You wanted to lock yourself away for the rest of your life, shut out all noises and drown in the darkness that has captured your heart a long time ago.

     You wanted to scream. You wanted to toss around, to run away, to smash something – you wanted to disappear from this world so badly right now you almost begged Mikasa to take a knife and fulfil your death wish. Eren and Mikasa looked at you, not knowing what to do. Your body was shaking badly and it certainly wouldn’t be good for your injuries but you honestly couldn’t care less.

 

     »Aren’t there fewer than there were this morning? What a disaster!«

     »Just this morning they left raising such ruckus and now they’re already back?«

     »Judging from their expressions, they managed to waste more of our taxes.«

     »You’re not worth our money!«

     »Give me back my child!«

     »Go, disappear! We don’t need fools like you!«

     »And you call yourself Commander?! Go to hell!«

 

_You don’t know what happened out there. You don’t know what the world is like. You don’t have a single clue what we carry on our shoulders. We have feelings. We have pride. We know how tiresome everything is. We know that you all want to live in peace. So please, stop judging us._

 

     It was too much. And you could do nothing about it; no one could. Everything you could do was to continue crying. Usually, you didn’t cry in front of others. You were always composed and comforted those who were grieving. But you couldn’t control your emotions anymore. All these hours you spent alone in your room, crying over the comrades you’ve lost, all those pain you burdened yourself with, everything just seemed to break down over you and you drowned in your own sorrow and in all the pain you had tried to forget.

     I’m breaking, you thought, I’m breaking, please end this pain. Your mind was going to explode. You would have to clean out the rooms of your teammates. You would be the one bringing their remains to their families. You would have to tell them that it was all your fault. You would take the blame and the threats and everything they had to say to you. You would be the one to break their hearts, because everything was your fault.

     You were a failure as a squad leader and a failure as a soldier. Your whole existence was a mistake and you just wanted this horrible life to end.

     Your sobbing got so bad, that Mikasa and Eren took your hand and tried to calm you down but you didn’t even notice. Everything you could hear were the voices in your head screaming at you, judging you, torturing you.

 

     Eventually, the carriage stopped. Hanji took Eren and Mikasa with them, giving you a very concerned look before leaving. Many of the soldiers stopped briefly when they heard you crying but no one knew you well enough to approach you.

     Finally, Levi sat down beside you in the carriage, stroking your hair out of your sweaty and teary face and whispering comforting words, hoping he could stop you from choking on your sobs. You didn’t even notice.

 

_It was your fault. You should have protected them!_

_And you call yourself a squad leader? You are a disgrace and a waste of breath!_

_Go die! We would all be better off without you!_

_Die! Die!_

 

     Someone called your name. You were visibly shaking when you finally managed to open your eyes, the tears still streaming down your red cheeks. Your vision was blurred terribly and you couldn’t tell who was hovering over you until they came nearer.

     It was Erwin. Without another word he lifted you into his arms and you hissed in pain. »I’m sorry,« he said like Mike a few hours before, as if he was the reason you were in pain. You didn’t thrust your voice and you just buried your tearstained face in his chest. You were really thankful that Erwin didn’t try to comfort you. You were glad that he didn’t speak at all while he carried you to your room where he laid you on your bed.

     »The medic will arrive in a few minutes,« he said softly, wiping the last tears off your face. »I’ll stay with you until he arrives. Try to stay calm.«

     »I’m sorry,« you said, voice hoarse. »I-«

     But before you could say anything else, Erwin interrupted you. »It wasn’t your fault. But let’s talk after your injuries are treated. You must be in huge pain and need to rest.«

     He just sat down on a chair and watched you, concern in his eyes. You stared at the ceiling, wishing that it would all be over soon. You didn’t want to think anymore. You didn’t want to feel anymore. _You didn’t want to be anymore._

 

     When Hanji entered the room with a doctor, Erwin stepped out. Hanji took your hand while the doctor started to check how bad the damage was. Your eyelids were heavy and wouldn’t it be for the pain, your consciousness would have stopped. Hanji whispered soothing words, watching the pained expression on your pale face. The doctor said some things you couldn’t manage to understand and Hanji nodded in your place, before he gave you an injection.

     »Painkillers,« Hanji said calmly and while rubbing circles on the back of your hand, »they’ll kick in very soon. You can rest now.«

     You closed your tired eyes and Hanji covered you with a blanket. They left the room with the doctor, closing the door as quiet as possible.

     Erwin was still outside your room, leaning against the wall. »Not in any condition to talk,« said Hanji, when they noticed the look in Erwin’s eyes. »But if I were you, I would send Levi first. You know how close they are.«

     Erwin sighed. Of course, he knew. Everyone knew how close the two of you were. He left with Hanji, hoping you wouldn’t have any nightmares so you could rest in peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanji is so much more than a crazy scientist and I love this character so much. It is getting really hard to keep the reader gender neutral without using they/them. I don't know how long I can keep up with that. But I do hope you enjoy reading the story :)


	6. Regret

     You awoke in the early morning hours of the next day. It was still pretty dark outside, the moon and the sky slowly fading into a greyish blue and you just stared at the ceiling until your eyes had adjusted to the darkness.

     The first thing you noticed was that your body felt numb. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling but considering the pain you’ve felt yesterday, everything was better. You got the feeling that the doctor had used a bit too much of those painkillers but you couldn’t care less.

     As you laid there in silence, you tried to comprehend everything that had happened on that expedition. Your mind was one hell of a mess, several thoughts and images flashing through your mind at once and you had to close your eyes when everything started to spin. You felt like you had to throw up and you wanted to go to the bathroom, but your body disobeyed. It was like your arms and legs didn’t belong to your body anymore and you just laid motionless on your bed while the tears started to burn in your eyes again.

     You wanted to return to the pleasant darkness of sleep, blocking out all thoughts and feeling nothing. But now the pain returned as well as all the pictures of the previous day. The bodies of your comrades lying on the ground, motionless. The face of the titan which had smashed you against the tree, the face of this horrible titan which was the cause for your pain.

     But the guilt you felt was worse than everything else. You wished the painkillers would stop working so you could feel your broken ribs instead of the overwhelming emotional pain. You started crying again. This was humiliating; you’ve never felt so weak and pathetic in your whole life before.

 

     The door creaked open and someone entered your room. You felt a cold hand on yours and opened your eyes. _Levi_. He sat on your mattress, still holding your hand and wiping the tears off your face.

     »I’ve never seen you cry so much,« he said, »it won’t be good for your injuries. Hanji said that you have six broken ribs and a fractured back. You’re lucky to still be alive.«

     »I should have died,« you said without looking at him. »They were precious to this world. They could have done so much more than I will ever be able to. I’m not worth it. I-«

     »Shut up,« he interrupted you angrily. He forced you to look at him. »Shut up. Don’t ever say that again. You are precious and this world needs you. Don’t you think we could last one single day without you. You make everyone’s lives better. If you die, I swear, I’ll come to hell to kill you once more. I already lost my own squad, I can’t lose you too!«

     You looked at him in disbelief. You’ve never seen Levi so upset. But when his words started to sink in, once again you felt your heart skip a beat. »Your squad is … dead?« you asked, voice shaking. »N-No way … They can’t … I …«

     Was the human body even able to produce so many tears? By the amount of tears you’ve shed over the past twenty-four hours, you must’ve been completely drained; still the tears kept flowing. Levi leaned down and laid his forehead against yours.

     He wanted to slap himself for saying that out loud. He knew you would blame yourself for everything – but Erwin hadn’t told you about the real purpose of the expedition but he was the wrong one to explain it to you. He was just here to make sure you were alright.

_You weren’t._

 

     After Levi had failed to calm you down the evening before, he was taken to a medic by Mike, leaving you to Erwin. He was injured and in no condition to carry you to your room. He knew that you trusted and liked Erwin and because you didn’t particularly like to be touched by others, he’d trusted Erwin to stay with you until your injuries got treated.

     When Erwin later visited him in his room, he told him about your injuries. It was like the commander had said, you had six broken ribs and a fractured back, as well as a mild concussion but nothing life-threatening.

     »It’s her mind that kills her,« Erwin had said and had given him an envelope. »I found this on her desk. I thought, you would like to read it. According to Hanji, she always puts something like that on her desk before leaving for an expedition. I never dared to ask what’s written there but since you are the closest to her heart, I thought you would want to know.«

     Levi had opened the envelope and read the letter in silence, with Erwin waiting in patience. Once Levi had finished, he put the letter back in the envelope and pinched the bridge of his nose. »She’s such a pain in the ass,« he’d said through gritted teeth, handing Erwin the letter. »The brat wrote a fucking last will.«

     »I want you to look after her tomorrow morning. I am sure she wants to see you.«

 

     And here he was, holding your crying form in an awkward position because of your injuries. The only thing you managed to say was »I’m sorry«.

     »You and I both know very well that we have to face the consequences for the choices we make. And I think I’ve told you on countless occasions that you have to live without regrets. Otherwise, you’ll die pretty fast.« He wasn’t as good with words as Hanji or Erwin but he still tried his best.

     »B-But I was the-their squad … leader!« you blurted out between your sobs. He felt your hands weakly holding onto him – the effect of the painkillers must wear off slowly. »I … let the-them die.«

     »We can’t save everyone, you know that. No one will blame you, because it isn’t your fault. And _please_ , stop crying. It must be painful as hell.« He let go of you to wipe the tears off your face. Geez, he thought, how can someone cry so much? »And once you calmed down, I need you to explain something to me.«

 

     He held up your letter. »So, you’ve read it,« you said, voice still shaking. »Normally, I always have time to put it away before I return to my room.« You went silent for a moment, while Levi’s gaze never left your face. He studied every feature of you, your delicate frame, your beautiful mess of a hair, your teary eyes; to him, you were beautiful.

     »This is my way of saying goodbye,« you told him. »My way of making sure to not leave this world without any last words. I could never say goodbye to my parents and I won’t let that ever happen again. So, before every expedition, I write a letter and put it on my desk. If I die, the person to clean out my room will find and read it.«

     »That means, you don’t have any last words for me?« Even if he tried to sound as composed as always, you noticed that he sounded hurt.

     »I have a letter just for you,« you whispered, looking at him for the first time in a while. »But I don’t want everyone to read it. It’s in the upper drawer of my desk.«

 

     Hesitating, Levi took out the letter you’ve written for him and started reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I've finally decided to go with a female reader. I'm sorry for that.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy the story and thanks for your kudos, this makes me so happy ♥


	7. Letter

_Levi,_

_if you’re reading this letter, I am no longer part of this world._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t be around a little longer but we knew from the very beginning, that my chances to survive were much lower than yours. But don’t worry; you know that I’ll be in a better world. And I know you will do fine without me. I am just some stupid little brat, aren’t I?_

_Well … This is supposed to be a goodbye letter. But I honestly don’t know what I should write. There are a lot of things I want to say to you but once I’ve written them down … Everything would be over. It would mean that I had to say goodbye to you now, with the chance of us returning together and then everything would be … I don’t know._

_Maybe that’s what keeps me alive these days. I don’t want to say goodbye to you, Levi. I am too attached to you. Does that sound weird? I don’t know. Everything sounds weird when I think about all the stuff that is going on in this horrible world. It was so easy to say goodbye to all the others. Hanji, Mike, Nanaba, Erwin, Moblit, my squad … But it is just so hard when I am thinking about you. Somehow, it feels like I would abandon my whole future. And then I realize that I really could have a future._

_You always know what’s going on in my mind even if I don’t tell you. You know I am afraid of the future. You know I’m afraid to live. But my worst fear is losing you right in front of my eyes. But when you read this letter one day, that won’t matter anymore. Because, as I said, I will no longer be a part of this world. I didn’t think that this would ever make me sad. But it does._

_I am scared, Levi. I am so scared. I am not brave like you or all the others. I am just a scared little girl not knowing what to do. I have no place in this world. Still, when I am by your side, it feels like I belong somewhere. When you’re around, breathing seems a little bit easier. And for a few moments, I can forget the bitter reality we live in._

_There are a lot of things I wanted to say. But I can’t find any words to describe them. How do you say goodbye without saying goodbye? This world is just so unreliable, how are we supposed to figure out how life works? I may sound like a little teenager, but those are my honest thoughts. We’re no longer children. And I often wonder if we ever were._

_The only thing I can do now is being grateful. Thank you for everything up until now. Thank you for the many nights we spent talking, thank you for the silence I could have with you. Thank you for making me laugh in times I didn’t know how to do that anymore. Thank you for advising and training me. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you. I was really honoured to meet you. And I am grateful that I had the chance to be friends with you._

_But most important, thank you for making me fall in love with you. My heart will always be yours._

_Was this a goodbye? I don’t know. But once you’re reading this, it will be too late, am I right? I am sorry for heading ahead. But wherever my path will lead me, I will always wait for you. And if we’re reborn one day in the future, no matter how many times it will take, I will find you. I promise. But don’t forget to be happy, Levi. Enjoy your given time on Earth while I watch over you and protect you from where I will be going._

_I will always love you._

 

 

     The end of the letter was signed with your name. Levi put it down very slowly, hands visibly shaking. He looked at you and you looked at him while silence hung over you like a thunderstorm. His expression was difficult to read. Was it disbelief? Horror? Sadness? You couldn’t tell. You reached out for his face and gently caressed his cheek with your thumb.

     »I mean every word I’ve written, Levi,« you whispered. »You keep me alive. Thank you.«

     You smiled at him. It was a sad smile but still a smile nonetheless. A sign of lost happiness on your beautiful features and Levi’s heart began to beat faster. If he’d found this letter after you had died, he wasn’t sure what he would have done. But right now, you were here with him, he could still touch you and you would not disappear because he knew that this wasn’t a dream.

     He leaned down, not really knowing what he was doing, but an instinct told him to lay his lips on yours, to feel their softness and to connect with you in a way he’d never done with anyone before. After a moment, he moved his lips a bit to try what it would be like and you responded by doing the same, your hands finding their way to the nape of his neck, holding onto him like you were drowning.

     It was a gentle kiss, lips tasting lips, trying to figure out this new feeling of connection. You let one of your hands run through his hair, feeling its softness. He was everything you wanted right now; to hold him and be held by him until you would forget everything around you, everything that tried to push you further into the darkness. The only thing that mattered was him.

 

     When you parted, he looked at you. You were so perfect with that kissed-stupid expression on your face. He never realized that being with one another would make him feel so happy. Your presence was giving him faith.

     He whispered your name softly, burying his face in the crook of your neck. »I need you. You don’t know how much I feel for you. But it’s too hard to put it into words. You are so perfect. And you’re too precious for me. I can’t imagine this world without you.«

     You rubbed circles on his back, letting him speak while you felt hot droplets on your shoulder. He wasn’t built of stone and his heart was not made out of ice. He hasn’t stopped caring and he never would. You knew that he’d loved his squad just like you loved yours and the loss was tearing his heart apart. It was the first time you’ve seen Levi like this; broken. Vulnerable. But he was human, after all.

_All of you were._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really like to know what you think of the goodbye letter!
> 
> Thanks for reading ♥


	8. Unreliable

     It was midday when Erwin entered your room with a tray of food and the determination to talk you out of your depression. He was very calm and spoke a lot of soothing words to you, reminding you that nothing was your fault and that he was the only one to blame. You had always liked talking to Erwin because he always found the right words to say and so you let him speak until he was finished. He’d looked at you with an apologetic smile but the look in his eyes was enough for you to know that he meant it.

     After him, Hanji and Mike came in. Mike looked as if Hanji had dragged him to come to your room but he stayed, making sure you were alright. After all, it was him who had found you after you’ve been crushed against that tree and even if you couldn’t remember everything that happened, you still saw his worried gaze right after you’d regained consciousness. Hanji was talking a lot as usual and they tried everything to cheer you up.

     With afternoon coming around, the recruits of the 104th training corps came into your room, Armin holding a bouquet of flowers. You started to cry again, only ending up in a big hug by all of them. You were lucky that all of them had made it out there alive.

     Armin cried with you after seeing your tears and you hugged him a while longer to make sure he wouldn’t leave the room with sadness filling his mind. You thanked Mikasa for trying to calm you while on the carriage and she let you hug her for a brief moment before leaving the room.

     Christa cried too and you patted her head, grateful that the little beauty was physically unharmed. As you caught Ymir’s furious gaze, you let go of the little blonde and thanked Ymir for always having an eye on her.

     Jean was reluctant at first, but he eventually gave in and hugged you very careful, making sure he would not cause you any pain. He was a sweet boy after all.

     Connie and Sasha pulled you into a nearly bone-breaking embrace, both of them sobbing and shaking violently and you couldn’t help but chuckle a bit because of the overwhelming cuteness. Why hadn’t you realized that you had such a huge position in the lives of your comrades? Because you were so stuck in your darkness that the light they gave you frightened you to death.

     Reiner and Bertolt were the last remaining recruits and you offered them a warm smile and a hug as well. Reiner took the invitation with a shit-eating grin on his face. Never had the thought crossed your mind, that this boy built of rock hard muscle could embrace a fragile body like yours so gently. He then forced his friend into your arms, turning him into a stammering and slightly sweating mess. You stroked his back before you let go of him, his face beet red.

     When they left your room, you were alone again. The sun painted the sky in a beautiful mixture of orange and red, making you feel warmer and more comfortable than before. After you’d talked to the new recruits and squad leaders, you felt as if someone had taken some of the weight you carried away. Still, you felt guilty. You didn’t know how to confront the parents of your dead comrades and as well as you held it together now, you knew you wouldn’t be able to keep your emotions under control once you would sort out their personal things.

 

     You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t notice the soft knock on your door. Only when someone entered, you looked up to see a sad-looking Eren standing next to your bed, his head wrapped in bandages. You gestured to make him sit down on the mattress. He was silent.

     »Eren, look at me.« It wasn’t an order and you wouldn’t force him if he didn’t want to. But you liked to look in people’s eyes while talking to them and because Eren had found his way to your room on his own, there was something that must keep him bothered.

     When his eyes met yours, you clearly noticed how dull they were. Normally, Eren’s eyes would be so full of light and hopes and dreams, they would remind you of your father. But now they looked just like yours, dull and broken, and you took his hand into yours, only looking at him, hoping he would speak to you.

     »I’m sorry,« he whispered, gaze dropped to the sheets, »I made the wrong decision. If I had shifted into a titan I could’ve saved them.«

     _He was talking about Levi’s squad_. You knew well enough that he wouldn’t put any blame on Eren but the boy was only fifteen; and yet, he seemed to carry more on his shoulders than it would be good for him. He took everything to his heart and you honestly couldn’t blame him for that.

     »Listen, Eren, it wasn’t your fault.« You rubbed circles on the back of his hand just like Hanji always did to you when you were having a bad day. »Whatever decisions we make, it doesn’t matter. Right, wrong, there is no guarantee. I know that the consequences aren’t what you wanted but you should know that nothing what happened was your fault.«

     »But they could still be-«

     »We can not be sure of that,« you interrupted him. You saw tears in his eyes and pulled him in a gentle hug. »You know, Eren … The sad truth about this world is that we can rely on nothing. No one blames you, Eren. We all knew the risks of becoming a soldier and we were still determined to change the world. Loss is something we have to live with. Believe me, Eren, I know that it hurts.«

     »Are you trying to convince yourself, too, Squad Leader?«

     A sad laugh escaped your throat. »Maybe I do.«

     You sat there in silence, listening to the boy in your arms sobbing and you stroked his back; there was nothing more left to say.

 

     »Thank you, Squad Leader,« he said quietly after he pulled away from you. His eyes were still red and puffy but he seemed to feel a bit better, after all. He left your room and you were alone again.

     As you sat on your bed, you watched the sun disappear and slowly, the night took over, making the sky lose its warm colour only to replace it with a deep blue, stars painted on it. When Levi entered your room, and sat beside you on the mattress, you just laid your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes and enjoying the warmth of his body against yours.

     He said nothing, took your hand and pulled the blanket over the two of you. You ended up holding each other during your sleep and not a single nightmare interrupted your peace. There were just you and him, holding onto each other, in a world where nothing was reliable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was the last chapter.  
> I hope, you enjoyed reading the story because I really enjoyed writing it. It helped me a lot to become more fluent with English and I hope I didn't make any terrible mistakes.  
> I wanted to thank you for the Kudos, it made me really happy every time I saw a new one.
> 
> I am already planning the next story but you have to wait until my exams are over. Wish me luck ♥♥


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